Today's is 'Rooney gets a good kicking - Holidaying player attacked'.
The clear implication is that Wayne Rooney has been physically 'attacked' while on holiday in Dubai.
When the story begins - under the Star's worthless 'exclusive' banner - it makes clear that isn't the case.
Crocked Wayne Rooney has had a good kicking from Sir Alex Ferguson as he angers fans by lording it in Dubai.
Fiery Fergie showed the star who is boss after his contract strop by putting his comeback on hold.
So it is, at best, a verbal kicking. But was it even that?
The article by Jerry Lawton - of 'Grand Theft Auto: Rothbury' fame - says:
Boss Sir Alex Ferguson, 68, yesterday revealed the star, currently living it up with wife Coleen in the world’s poshest hotel in Dubai, will not play for another month.
He said Rooney’s injured ankle had not improved because United’s medics had not been able to treat it while he has been soaking up the sunshine...
Club insiders believe fiery Fergie’s decision to put Roo’s comeback on ice is his way of showing the petulant star who is the real star at the club.
Ah, the anonymous 'insiders'. It must be true then.
Except, over in the Mail, there's a report on Ferguson's press conference yesterday that says:
...he is not therefore rushing Rooney back after another setback with his ankle in training. Ferguson told Rooney to take a family holiday...
The Guardian has more of this vicious 'kicking':
The initial diagnosis was that he would be out for three weeks, but the striker has been allowed to go on holiday with his wife, Coleen, to Dubai this week rather than having treatment.
"I think it will be a bit longer," Ferguson said. "He's away at the moment so there's no recovery. He's having a rest. He did his remedial work before he went. Thereafter rest is what he needs and we're quite happy with that."
The saga of a footballer going on holiday with his wife has taken up more column inches than you might have thought possible.
They've been on the front of the Star for four of the last five days. The Sun made them front page 'news' on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. The Express (twice) and the Mail (once) have also put them on the front page.
But today, the Mail have done their usual thing - pretending to be shocked at the Rooneys' behaviour, while at the same time dispatching a reporter to Dubai to report on their every move. David Jones' article - which appears on pages 14-15 of today's print edition - is a work of staggering inanity:
At 11am, almost to the minute, Coleen would arrive by the pool, take off one of several expensive beach blouses and lay face down on her sun-lounger - always the same one.
Quite what Wayne was doing for the next hour and a quarter or so, we cannot know. At 12.15pm, however, he would trudge down to join his wife, and there they would remain for the next five hours...
Gripping stuff, isn't it?
Having spent the week fending off obsequious butlers proffering every imaginable extravagance, however, it’s easy to imagine how soccer’s most stinking-rich couple might begin another day in paradise.
‘Morning Wayne,’ chirps Coleen, admiring her ample new curves in the gold-framed mirror above a bed whose mattress has been specially adjusted to a softness of their liking.
Ah yes, her 'ample new curves'. The headline claims she has a 'suspiciously enhanced cleavage'. At one point, Jones says Coleen:
must surely have had her own breasts enlarged judging by before-and-after photos published this week
But later he's not so sure:
perhaps even a boob job
With a remarkable lack of self-awareness, he sneers:
If we believe one downmarket tabloid, they have even decided to renew the marriage vows.
'One downmarket tabloid' - not like the Mail, which is obviously above all this drivel. The Mail's website has 'only' 11 articles in five days about two young people sunbathing for five hours a day.
And the Mail would never take anything from such a 'downmarket tabloid' would it? Obviously, there's no link between the Star's front page on Wednesday:
And this Mail website article:
Back to Jones' scintillating prose:
Last Wednesday, I happened (by genuine coincidence) to be directed to a sun-lounger near a rock-shaded corner of the pool where the Rooneys were taking a dip, and couldn’t help but notice their discord.
Coleen ordered a pint of draught beer and a vodka and lemonade for Wayne, and they chatted sporadically. Or rather, she did - wrinkling her nose at him to make her point, as is her habit.
He just grunted and wallowed around on a waterproof striped cushion. Not once did they kiss or hug, or even drape an arm around one another.
So he was 'coincidentally' directed to a sun-lounger near the Rooneys, but didn't bother moving. He just stayed there. Watching them talk. Making notes about the food and drinks they ordered. Staring as they sunbathed for five hours.
He must be so proud he doesn't work for one of those 'downmarket' papers.
(Hat-tips to @couragerequired and @RopesToInfinity)